The Cemetery
Welcome to my first ever Point
Horror recap! Over the years I’ve built up quite a collection of these books
from various charity shops and car boot sales. Something about the
cookie-cutter characters, rambling plots and nonsensical endings just appeals
to me, as does the fact you don’t need to think while you read them. In fact,
it’s probably best if you don’t think.
I’ve decided to start with a
lesser-known Point Horror book and one I haven’t read before: The Cemetery by D.E. Athkins. I think
this is actually the first book full stop that I’ve read by this author so
let’s see how it turns out. The blurb gives us a brief outline of the plot-it’s
Halloween and a bunch of teenagers are having a party in a cemetery. Parties
are a typical Point Horror setting so already my hopes aren’t high for this
one. Anyway, it’s time we began…
The plot is introduced almost
instantly with our main characters Cyndi and Lara getting ready for the party.
The only things we really learn are their costumes (vampire and princess
respectively) and that they are dating two guys, William and Dade. I have to
say, one of my favourite things about Point Horror is the character names.
Okay, so William is pretty normal. But Dade? Maybe it’s a British thing but I
have never heard that name before in my life.
We’re only a few pages in and
already this book is starting to bug me. The first few chapters are just brief
introductions one after another to the many, many characters. Next up is Georgie,
a girl who’s dressed as a spider. She wasn’t invited to the party but she’s
planning on going anyway just to annoy Cyndi. Apparently hating people gives
her a high, and in her own words ‘She liked being high’.
This is going to be a good one.
One by one we’re introduced to
Foy the wizard (that’s worse than Dade!) Jane who is Dorothy from the Wizard of
Oz (and apparently wants some power) and Rick the blood-splattered Santa Claus
(could you even tell with all the red?). But that’s not all! We also meet
William/’Wills’ and learn that his hero is Jack the Ripper. These are some
messed-up kids. The introduction section of the book finally ends after meeting
Jones the cowboy and Charity the witch. All the characters have been given that
mysterious ‘they-could-be-killers’ edge and several death jokes have been made
so we’re good to go and start the plot. The characters all meet up before
heading off to the cemetery for the party in various groups. There’s a weird
moment where it looks like Jones is going to rape Charity (not that she seems
to mind) but they’re interrupted by a knife coming towards them so it’s all
good. Of course this knife is just an end of chapter fake out so it turns out
to be Rick’s fake axe from his costume. Rest assured, this is just the first of
many, many fake outs.
Everyone has arrived and the
party begins, though I have to say it doesn’t sound very fun. None of the
characters seem to like each other and William/’Wills’ in particular seems to
snarl at everyone at least once. No prizes for guessing who’s going to die then.
The chapter ends with Lara
screaming at something which turns out to be uninvited Georgie and Cyndi’s brother
Dorian. Quite why Lara screamed is beyond me. I doubt it was due to Dorian’s
terrifying pirate costume. There’s yet more hostility between Cyndi and her
brother which is eventually interrupted by Georgie’s idea of a séance. I’m
guessing none of these kids watch horror movies.
Jones gets really freaked out by
the séance and I find it hilarious that extra time is taken to explain that
Jones is his last name, which is why he is known as that. Sure, because Jones
as a first name would be crazy. Isn’t that right Foy? Charity starts to feel
weird and feels the ground tilting when suddenly Jones grabs her and drags her
into the bushes, only adding to the date-raping vibe.
Cyndi sees them and suggests
playing hide and seek, because that’s always a fun game in a cemetery! They all
run off in various directions to hide but while Wills is running he stops by an
open grave. You can see where this is going. Someone slices him and he dies,
becoming the first casualty of the book. Lucky guy.
Lara stumbles near the grave and
is about to find him but then it cuts to Charity’s section. She’s running
through the forest when someone grabs her ankle. It’s Jones the rapist of
course and he offers her a ride home, explaining that Wills is dead. They all
worry for a bit before going to the police station. Wow, kudos here. Normally
Point Horror books just pretend the police don’t exist in these types of
situations. This time though the police are not only told, but they actually go
to search for the body. Competent police? Hang on, I’d better check this…nope,
the label definitely says Point Horror. Weird.
Anyway, Jane, Charity and Cyndi
all meet up to discuss the murder. The police suspect Cyndi because it was her
party and someone told them Wills and her used to date. She wants to clear her
name which means finding the real killer. Yep, I see nothing wrong with that
plan.
The next chapter starts with
Jones thinking about murder in a very suspicious way, which basically makes him
innocent since it’s never the suspicious person in these books. He’s soon
joined by Dade and then we switch to Charity’s viewpoint again where she seems
to be battling an evil side. Both Rick and Dorian make a joke about what
happened to Wills before Dorian starts reminding his sister that she tried to
kill him once. Seriously, these kids are borderline psychotic. Georgie torments
her cat and this chapter is more filler than anything. Finally, Foy gets his
segment which ends yet another string of pointless character moments.
Halfway through the book we get
our second murder. Georgie and Dorian go back to the crime scene at night and she gets bumped off while
he runs away. Jones and Charity have a little meeting in the library and when
she gets home she discovers a mysterious book which has random superstition.
Apparently it’s linked to Wills’ death but to be honest there’s little
connection between the words and what happened. Meanwhile Cyndi visits Lara who
has taken to hiding away in her house. After some bullying from Cyndi, Lara
reveals she saw the killer which is why she is afraid to go outside.
Cyndi starts acting very
suspiciously after that, worrying that she’s going to be accused. She hopes
that they might suspect Lara, then Dorian. Moments after thinking that she runs
into Dorian who’s panicking, probably because Georgie has just been killed or
maybe because his sister is a sadist. He gets out the car and there’s a hook
hanging on the side, exactly like the Halloween story Rick told at the party.
You probably know the one-if the book can’t be bothered to tell it, you can
hardly expect me to.
It turns out Dorian used to lock
Cyndi in the dark for hours when they played hide and seek, which makes me wonder
why she suggested it earlier if it was so traumatic for her. Apparently once
she locked him in a wardrobe and there was a fire, which is how she nearly
killed him. She argues that since she was the person who called the fire
brigade who got him out that she saved his life, but that’s a little like
saying not dropping a toaster in somebody’s bath is saving their life.
Jane and Dade start making out at
the death scene (seriously, what is wrong with these kids? Is death really that
hot to them?) and Dorian is about to leave the house when he sees Georgie. He’s
relieved but she gives him a weird smile…and then we cut to Charity who seems
to be getting run over. There’s another make out scene before Jane and Dade go
to the hospital and learn that Georgie is dead.
Wait what?
Oh no, it turns out this is one
of those supernatural Point Horror books. Maybe it’s just me but I’ve always
found that these ones tend to suck harder than the rest. Mainly because they
never make any goddamn sense.
We’re back to Charity and she
hasn’t been run over. Then we cut to Dorian and this book is changing so
quickly I’m getting whiplash. He confronts Georgie and essentially we learn
that it’s a shape-changing ghost thing which has been killing everyone. It
explodes Dorian (or something like that) and there’s a huge fire which makes
everyone gather round. Apparently it was the garage which exploded and now
Dorian’s dead. Dade rescued Cyndi though, and she says that she killed her
brother by accident. Georgie’s dead in the house but she’s also dead in the
hospital, so I guess she just can’t catch a break.
Cyndi tells her friends about the
wardrobe incident but they don’t seem to care much. Then she randomly says that
something is out there which is going to kill them all and Jones walks in,
agreeing with her. He explains that the ghost thing is the ghost thing from the
superstition book and when they had the party they woke it up. They talk for a
bit and reminisce about their friends. Well, I say reminisce-Wills is described
as crazy and mean and apparently Georgie had dreams which she ‘would never make
real-life sized now’. Cyndi panics at the thought that they’re all going to die
and runs out the room alone, making her the stupidest surviving character.
There’s a car chase and they end
up at the cemetery again. Only then does Charity consider the idea that Cyndi
might actually be the shape shifter pretending to be Cyndi. They all join hands
and wander around blindly until they find Cyndi. It’s dark now and there’s a
random scene where Foy knocks out Rick to stop him running away. Charity
wanders off and finds a gravestone with her name on it. Jones then magically
appears beside her and she starts having this weird vision thing. She sees a
woman who is Lara who tries to kill her, but suddenly Cyndi grabs her and one
by one it turns into the victims of the book. At this point I think the writer
just gave up and took LSD. I’m tempted to do the same but we’re almost at the
end now so I’ll keep going.
Somehow, by holding onto her
Charity defeats the demon who is also called Charity. Jones magically appears
again and they wander off into the sunset together, conveniently forgetting
their dead friends and his rapist tendencies.
…Dear god, this book was stupid.
This is the perfect example of the crazier Point Horror books, the ones which
don’t make any sense and just seem like a bunch of random events connected
together. The constant jumping between characters is appalling and not even
worthwhile since it’s not like the characters are particularly developed. The
ending is just bizarre and not even the good kind of bizarre. On the whole, I
am not impressed by this author’s attempts. Let’s hope their next book is a
little easier to follow
Rating: 2/5
And the ‘Most Stupid Name’ award goes to…
Close call but it has to be Foy
The worst-dressed character:
Rick with his blood-splattered
Santa Claus outfit
Point Horror clichés:
We have the forces of evil
conjured by a teenager’s party, and the fact it’s Halloween is kind of a cliché
Worst practical joke:
Rick again with his fake axe
Creepiest non-guilty character:
There is not a single normal
character in this book. But Jones wins out because his rapist vibes are
completely ignored in the ending
Most hilarious out of context moment:
‘Lara never noticed anything
unless it was male and breathing on her’
‘In fact, she was high. Manically
high.’
Yeah, so was the author
