One Day At Horrorland

Plot Summary: Lizzy and her family get lost on the way to a theme park and instead stumble upon HorrorLand, a slightly different theme park. This one is run by a bunch of monsters called Horrors, and all the rides have the potential to end in death! Maybe. It's not really made clear because after the twist of discovering all the danger is real, there's another twist that it's actually all for a monster TV show. So maybe none of the rides were dangerous after all. Either way, the family have to go through a monster maze before finally being allowed to leave. The twist is they get followed and offered tickets to come back, a fact I'm sure won't be mentioned at all in the sequel.

~

YES, THIS IS WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR. BEST GOOSEBUMPS BOOK EVER!

Ahem.

Okay, so I can't say it's the best yet but my god, how I loved this book as a child. I am clearly very biased here but I have to say, I think it holds up as one of the best. It has a reasonably original plot (okay, not super original but still) and I loved reading how each of the rides turned gruesome. The protagonist isn't a complete moron and the terror actually involves the entire family which is rare. Also the climax is sooooo cool. Monster. Maze. It's total bullshit that they all survive but still. The only downside is that I guess the TV angle is a little weird, and the characters aren't the best. Still, my love of this book remains in tact. What other Goosebump book might feature an actual human head casually being carried like a yo-yo? What other book starts with the family car literally exploding? NONE OF THEM, THAT'S WHAT.

Worst Bond Line: The HorrorLand Horrors conveniently get defeated by being pinched and Lizzy has this to say: 'See? I always come through in a pinch!'

Most hilarious 'scary' moment: Lizzy panics at the thought of being crushed into 'a human square'.

Best of friends: Luke and Clay, who Luke spends most of the book pinching, punching or otherwise mocking horribly.

Surprisingly dramatic moment: The family car EXPLODES. Right at the end of chapter one. No lame bee-throwing cliffhangers here.

Rating:

The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight

Plot Summary: Jodie and her brother Mark go stay at grandparents' farm every summer. This year however, their grandparents are acting really weird. A guy called Stanley has put up a bunch of extra scarecrows in their fields and keeps talking about a mysterious book which brings them to life. Jodie then hallucinates that the scarecrows are alive for most of the book until they actually do come to life very briefly. Then they're set on fire and burn. After not actually being established as a threat. But hey, a stuffed bear comes to life in the end!

~

To think, I was actually kind of excited to read this book. I think it was maybe one that scared me when I was a kid and it certainly has a decent premise in my eyes. Unfortunately, it doesn't move past the basic concept of LIVING SCARECROWS! In fact, every cliffhanger in this book is basically identical. The main character sees a LIVING SCARECRO-h wait, no she didn't. Her grandparents are really LIVING SCARECRO-h wait, nope, they're holding a broom. It gets really old, really fast. Even when the scarecrows do eventually become living, it's not really scary because we're not given any idea of what the scarecrows will actually do. Why are they threatening? Are they trying to kill the protagonists? Why? And how when they're just normal scarecrows? It's a creepy premise like I said but it's just wasted here. Doctor Who did it better sorry.

Stine shows how politically correct he is: Stanley is kind of questionable as a bad guy because, erm...well, it's heavily implied he has special needs. Yeeeeah. Nice work there Stine. Way to make this far harder to enjoy now.

Weirdest running theme: The first few pages mention dictionaries twice in different contexts.

Worst Bond Line: There's a joke about corn which is not worth repeating.

Terrible family alert: Letting your grandkids come stay with you when you're trying to placate a man threatening you with scarecrows is pretty irresponsible behaviour really.

You Can't Scare Me!

Plot Summary: Eddie, Molly, Hat and Charlene all have a massive issue with a girl in their class, Courtney. You see, Courtney doesn't scare easy. That's pretty much it. Okay, she's a bit of a bitch but otherwise, that's their sole motivation for deciding to try and terrify her for the entire book. After numerous failed attempts, they eventually turn to the local legend of the mud monsters to try and scare her once and for all. Eddie enlists his brother and his friends to pretend to be mud monsters but during the prank, real mud monsters show up and scare all four protagonists so much that they basically become scarred forever. Yay?

~

I'm torn as to how I feel about this book. On the one hand, it's very predictable and repetitive. On the other hand, BEE THROWING. SLIGHTLY SELF-AWARE HUMOUR. This book manages to save itself from awfulness by sheer entertainment value alone. It also has a reasonably good message to it as well. The four main protagonists basically try and terrify some poor girl because she's slightly up herself and in return, they get horrible mental trauma. The moral of the story is don't devote your life to petty revenge and pranks. Also please wash your hair (I'm talking to you Hat).

Getting crap past the radar: 'I had a little trouble putting a worm on my hook.'

Weirdest running theme: Kids yet again fail to know what moss is, following the trend of The Werewolf of Fever Swamp. Does...does moss not grow in America?

Somebody get this kid a therapist: Molly recalls being scared by a rubber snake so badly that she screamed for an hour. And no one could get her to stop.

Idiot of the year award: Eddie and Hat forget to bring a tarantula-collecting receptacle and only realise right before they pick up said tarantula.

BONUS Terrible family alert: Courtney's scientist uncle tells her the Loch Ness Monster is real.

Rating:

.5

Monster Blood II

Plot Summary: Hey, so you know Evan from the first book? Turns out he's a complete moron and is being ridiculed at school because he told everyone about Monster Blood and, surprise surprise, they didn't believe him. Andy shows up conveniently with some Monster Blood because she's a complete idiot too and then she feeds it to the science teacher's hamster because the teacher has been mean to Evan. The hamster grows huge, almost kills everyone until Evan eats Monster Blood to try and grow bigger than the hamster so he can 'pick it up'. Thankfully the Monster Blood expires, shrinking Evan and the hamster back to normal size. But don't worry, Andy's parents sent her a bunch more for all the sequels!

~

Dear god, this book was painful. It's bad. Really bad. It's easily the worst I've read so far. By page 22 I had highlighted more dumb moments than in the entirety of all the other books. It starts with Evan having a super detailed dream that turns out to be a DAYdream he's just having in class. By page 16 there are two 'hamster out the window' fakeouts. TWO. And it just doesn't get any better. The plot runs entirely on everyone behaving in the stupidest way possible, from Andy refusing to stop dicking around with Monster Blood to the bully and his mum announcing to an empty house that they're back just so the protagonists can hear them and get out in time. There's so much stupid that I can't cram it all in here. The conclusion is cheap, lazy and also makes no goddamn sense which fits the rest of the book perfectly I guess. Surely it can only get better from here?

Serial killer in the making: Evan has a near-psychotic hatred of Cuddles the hamster for no apparent reason. He fantasises about throwing him out the window, baking him alive and squashing him into a rug. No wonder the science teacher hates him.

Editor, what editor?: 'Why do people think hamsters are cute? he wondered...Because of their cute little buck teeth?'

Future supermodel: Andy wears a long neon green T shirt over a short neon orange T shirt. Apparently both are visible somehow.

Most convenient name bestowed: Conan Barber, the bully who everyone calls 'Conan the Barbarian'.

BONUS Getting crap past the radar: Evan's science teacher keeps a mysterious leash in his cupboard.

Rating:

The Werewolf of Fever Swamp

Plot Summary: Grady's scientist father uproots his entire family to go live near a swamp. In between bouts of exploring the swamp, Grady meets two new friends, a dog and a swamp hermit. Weird things start happening and dead animals start turning up everywhere, which is apparently cause for concern. After hearing werewolf rumours, Grady begins to worry that his new dog Wolf (yes, Wolf) might be the culprit. Fortunately it's just his human friend Will who is responsible. Will proves himself as the worst werewolf ever as he gets scared off by Wolf, but in the process Grady gets bitten and the curse is passed on. Oops.

~

To give it some credit, there are a lot of suspects for the potential werewolf. Unfortunately, it's still pretty obvious that the culprit is Will. I would have honestly preferred Stine to go a different direction and either make Wolf the actual werewolf (obviously rejiggling the plot to make it a surprise) or else make the girl the werewolf. I mean, everyone knew it wasn't going to be Wolf right because it's a werewolf. Wolf-like dogs can't be werewolves!

Grady is also surprisingly okay with his one real human friend in the swamp turning out to be the werewolf. He's far more concerned at the prospect of giving up his dog, to the point that upon seeing the werewolf it's pretty much his first thought.

This isn't a bad book but it's fairly linear and not that creative in terms of plot. An okay read but mostly that's because I love werewolves. It has a lot of the staples of lazy Goosebumps writing, including the weirdly calm parents and reckless protagonist.

Terrible family alert: Grady's dad moves everyone to the swamp so he can study some swamp deer. The book specifically tells us how upset Grady's sister is to miss her final year with her friends and how she cried for days. He also seems totally unconcerned with the prospect of his kids hanging out with a crazy swamp hermit because some guy in town told him the hermit was okay.

Idiot of the year award: Grady is not only unable to recognise moss but insists on investigating the weird werewolf scratching noises multiple times on his own in the dead of night. Really, he deserved to get bitten.

Captain Obvious: 'It's a human wolf! I realized to my terror. A werewolf!'.

Most convenient nickname bestower: Grady names his dog Wolf in a place where there's an actual werewolf.

Rating:

.5

Piano Lessons Can Be Murder

Plot Summary: Jerry moves into a new house and his family discovers a piano in the attic which appears to play ghostly music. He decides to learn how to play it which leads to him taking lessons from the ominously-named Dr. Shreek. Soon however, it becomes apparent that things are not as they seem and Jerry's piano is being haunted by a ghost with no hands, telling him to stay away. It turns out that Dr. Shreek is in fact a robot and the real villain is the janitor who has been stealing students' hands for years unnoticed. The ghost then saves Jerry and all the hands carry the janitor out to his creepy, unspecified hand-related death.

~

Hey Goosebumps book covers-stop spoiling your twists!

Another very unique story in the series, weird but quite compelling. The protagonist is a massive jerk really what with all his practical jokes, but he's also oddly likeable. He has more personality than most of them anyway. The story is creepy and combines several different elements pretty effectively, though I was so sick of hearing the line 'beautiful hands' by the end of it. It also addresses elements often ignored by Goosebumps books, such as parental involvement, and deals with it more realistically than say Night of the Living Dummy. It may be one of the only times the villain actually dies as well, even if it is only implied. The image of hands killing a guy is both hilarious and also genuinely creepy. Only clumsy foreshadowing and general weirdness stop this from being one of the best, but it's definitely one of the better.

Weirdest running joke: 'Drop her/his teeth'.

Best of friends: Jerry and Sean, whose friendship ends with Jerry's move on page 4.

OMG so funny lol and Terrible family alert: Jerry drops a KETTLE on his dad's foot. It wasn't heated up but it's not clear he knows that fact when he laughs maniacally as water pools around his father's feet.

Somebody get this kid a therapist: Oh wait, they actually do. Not that it helps but kudos to his poor parents for trying.

Rating:

Be Careful What You Wish For

Plot Summary: Samantha Byrd is a tall, clumsy girl who gets relentlessly bullied by a girl called Judith. One day Samantha is forced into helping a woman who then repays her for her kindness by promising her three wishes. All three of these wishes proceed to bite Samantha in the butt until eventually, she gets a final wish and stupidly wish that Judith gets the wishes instead. She then gets turned into a literal bird because helping people is wrong?

~

I'll give this one some credit, it has a more original feel than most Goosebumps books. Not in terms of plot perhaps but Samantha is pretty well-developed, as is Judith. What's with these covers and spoiling the endings though?

She may be slightly more dimensional than some protagonists but Samantha is still a massive idiot. The wish woman screws her over massively though and the whole thing seems a bit...weird? Like what is meant to be the moral? I guess Goosebumps books don't have those and I'm probably trying too hard but Samantha suffers for no good reason really. The wishes themselves are pretty weak but I do like the twist of the first one (making the others worse instead of herself better). Again though, why does the woman undo each wish when granting a new one besides plot convenience? This plot runs on convenience and I don't like that aspect of it either.

Idiot of the year award: Damn it Samantha, can't you work out by your third wish not to try and add anything besides 'wipe this whole event'?

Future supermodel: Samantha again, stealing a side pony from a magazine model.

Serial killer in the making: Judith is waaaaay too happy about turning Samantha into a bird at the end.

Mrs. Blase: Judith seems awfully okay with the idea of magic being real and Samantha being a witch. Samantha is also not that weirded out by Judith guessing magic was involved.

Rating:

.5

The Haunted Mask

Plot Summary: Young Carly Beth is always being scared by her dickwad friends. Tired of being the butt of their jokes, she decides that this Halloween she's going to scare them. She basically breaks into a costume shop after it's closed and demands the shopkeeper sell her the really scary mask she finds. He does but when she wears it, the mask makes her behave really aggressively and weirdly. At the end of the night she can't take it off and it turns out the mask is *sigh* a real face the shopkeeper made. For reasons. Through contrived circumstances she manages to get it off, only for her brother to put it on, dooming him to wear it forevermore.

~

You know, it wasn't until I was typing out the summary above that I realised how weird this plot it. I mean, I guess that's a point in the book's favour since it didn't feel too bizarre when I was reading it. Except for the ending of course-damn, why didn't they put that in the Goosebumps movie? Hundreds of disembodied mask heads chasing a little girl? That would have been awesome!

I remember reading this book a lot as a kid and yet I remember almost nothing about the plot. Honestly, it's not that great but I'm not sure why? The whole ending is kind of hilarious and the shopkeeper making faces is never really explained. Carly Beth is okay but her friends are really not great people at all. Just an average Goosebumps book for me.

Serial killer in the making: Carly Beth's friend Chuck who feeds her A REAL LIVE WORM. Dude, that's not a practical joke, that's animal cruelty.

Terrible family alert: Carly Beth's mother constantly laments her daughter's straight hair but she does also get her a costume she liked so...

Mrs. Blase: Sabrina calls twice but is otherwise unconcerned by her friend's mask becoming fused to her face.

Most inane activity: Carly Beth goes trick or treating despite not liking candy. That's just wasteful.

Rating:

The Ghost Next Door

Plot summary: Hannah is having the most boring summer ever until someone new moves in next door. Actually, even then it stays pretty boring. She starts to suspect her new neighbour is a ghost and keeps finding herself getting chased by a shadowy figure. Eventually though it turns out that Hannah herself is the ghost and what follows is five chapters of her trying to come to terms with her and her family's death. Also, she saves her neighbour's life and it turns out the shadow was his future ghost waiting to take his place.

~

Damn, this book is like an emotional gut punch. I can't say until I've read them all but this has to be the darkest Goosebumps book. The fact that the last few chapters just deal with Hannah's emotions about her own death (albeit in Goosebumps level of depth) only makes it all the sadder. Though I have to say, that cover pretty much spoils the ending entirely. I guess they had to make it look interesting somehow but why not use the shadowy figure? Speaking of which, that really raises more questions than it answers. If the evil shadow was her neighbour's ghost waiting to take his place, then was ghost Hannah once a shadowy figure herself? Is she not the real Hannah? Either way, I still really enjoyed this one. That could be because I just watched the movie before reading it and...feels.

Most inane conversation: They may be ghosts but that's no excuse for Hannah's family having multiple conversations about pulp forevermore.

Future supermodel: Hannah didn't die in a jam-stained yellow top and ratty blue shorts but her sense of style sure did when she put them on!

Mr. Blase and Terrible family alert: Hannah frantically tells her parents that neighbour Danny is a ghost and her dad merely tells her they're trying to watch the TV.

Editor, what editor?: All the two bully guys do is high-five. Maybe they're also stuck in a ghostly time loop.

Rating:

Welcome to Camp Nightmare

Plot Summary: Billy is excited to go to summer camp for the first time ever but when he arrives, strange things start happening. One by one his friends have horrible accidents happen to them, and when kids start disappearing it becomes clear things are not as they seem. Fortunately the entire camp is just a training exercise for Billy to see if he's ready to go with his parents on their strange new voyage...to planet Earth!

~

Okay, first things first-look at that cover. Look at the two boys smiling as they drown. WTF is with that cover???

Anyway yeah, this is a really solid book. It's more of a mystery than downright scary but a fair bit happens in it (especially compared to The Girl Who Cried Monster) and Billy is a pretty likeable guy. The stuff with Larry and Uncle Al is just sinister enough. I'm probably biased because I remember the TV episode of this one so well and found Sabre scary as anything, but I do really like this one. The ending is a bit bizarre and I guess I should have problems with it but I don't for some reason. All in all, one of the strongest so far.

OMG so funny lol: Jay who coins the apparently hilarious phrase 'he purpled in his pants'

Getting crap past the radar: 'I ran back to the mess hall without changing my shorts.'

Terrible family alert: Even if they are aliens, is this weird camp testing system a common thing on their planet? Do they have to wait around for summer every year? Doesn't it cost far more money than it would ever be worth? Who even thought of it to begin with? WHAT ABOUT HIS TRAUMA???

Idiot of the year award: Billy is actually really sensible. He'd win an award for the most boring Goosebumps protagonist sure but hey, he's sensible.

Rating:

The Girl Who Cried Monster

Plot Summary: Lucy is a girl who spends all of her time telling monster stories. Literally all of it. One day she sees her librarian transforming into a monster and eating bugs but of course, no one believes her when she tells them. She then continuously tries to prove it until eventually her parents believe her. They then eat the monster because they are, in fact, also monsters!

~

Oh, this book was pretty dire. From having an unlikeable protagonist, a horribly repetitive plot and one of the worst endings imaginable, it doesn't have a whole lot going for it. I'll be honest, a lot of my dislike for it came from the ending. Not only is the librarian monster 'defeated' by Lucy knocking over some card catalogue cards, the twist just doesn't make any sense. I think maybe it was foreshadowed slightly at the start but there's still no excuse for it. It's a twist Stine will use again and I'm not sure it will be used any better.

Somebody get this kid a therapist: '"Life is just a phase I'm going through."'

Getting crap past the radar: '"But I like big meatballs," Dad insisted.'

Idiot of the year award: Lucy repeatedly goes and confronts the librarian alone, then acts surprised when she gets locked in with him

Best of friends: Lucy and...no one. Literally, Aaron is the closest thing she has to a friend and even he would rather play Frisbee by himself

Rating:

Night of the Living Dummy

Plot Summary: Kris and Lindy are unbearably competitive twins and unfortunately the brats who star in this book. Lindy finds a dummy (Slappy) in the dumpster which leads to Kris demanding her own dummy (Mr. Wood). They compete and weird things happen, causing Kris to believe Mr. Wood is alive. Turns out it was all a prank by Lindy only then Kris accidentally brings Mr. Wood to life for real. Fortunately, a steam roller solves all their problems...until Slappy comes to life also and surprises no one who has heard of the sequels!

~

Okay, now this was interesting because of course, I was expecting the twist ending to be Slappy was behind things all along. But Slappy isn't even in this book, leading me to wonder why Mr. Wood isn't more famous nor why he isn't the dummy featured on the cover (you can tell from the clothes that it's Slappy). But anyway, I digress. This book isn't bad but it does require a lot of suspension of disbelief to really enjoy. There are so many scary things to do with a living dummy and none of them get done in this book. There's so much wasted potential which I guess is why the sequels exist. The main characters are also pretty appalling. Lindy literally drives her sister close to madness and doesn't show one ounce of regret when Kris is breaking down in front of her. Both the twins are awful to each other and I don't really get why I should be rooting for them in the end. All in all, a disappointing start for one of the most famous Goosebumps characters.

Terrible family alert: Lindy easily walks this one but a special mention to Mrs. Powell, who makes her daughters stay up until 3am to clean the kitchen and then goes to bed before them on another night without making any effort to convince them to actually sleep. The girls also dispose of Mr. Wood at 3:30 am near the end of the book and Mrs. Powell still doesn't care. Not to mention how 'encouraging' she is:

'"I guess you have some talent."
Lindy beamed. Mrs. Powell normally wasn't big on compliments.'

Mrs. Blase: Upon discovering that Mr. Wood is in fact alive, Lindy still takes everything remarkably well.

Serial killer in the making: Lindy again, mainly for the insanely cruel and convoluted trick she plays on her sister. Also she loves ventriloquist dummies.

Most inane conversation: Not a conversation but Kris' thoughts are repeated a lot. A lot. Like four times per page. A lot is what I'm saying.

BONUS weirdest running theme: I didn't mention it in my Let's Get Invisible review but Max reflects that people who have been married for ages look like brother and sister. This observation is also made by Kris in this book for some reason.

Rating:

.5

Let's Get Invisible!

Plot Summary: Max and his friends find a creepy mirror in the attic which has a light that turns people invisible while it's on. Despite the risks, they start staying invisible for longer and longer until eventually they are replaced by the mirror versions of themselves. Thankfully Max works it out and his brother Lefty breaks the mirror before Max himself can be replaced. However, Lefty is now right-handed...

~

I have a feeling this was one of my favourites when I was younger but when I started reading it, I remembered nothing but the twist ending. This is still pretty impressive though because damn did that ending stick with me. Also look at that cover-that terrified me as a child. I used to make my brother hide the ones whose covers scared me and this was definitely one of them.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this book. It's creative, it's creepy and the ending is the kind of doubt which really appeals to me. It does suffer slightly by the fact that it's Lefty's evil twin who destroys the mirror and no explanation is given as to why he wouldn't want the other evil twins to stick around. Apart from that though this is one of the best ones I've read so far.

Most creative nickname bestower: Max
'He's all black so of course we named him Whitey.'
'We call him Lefty because he's the only left-handed person in our family.'

Future supermodel: Zack whose hair is half buzzcut, half combover according to the book's description.

Biggest creeps: Zack and Max who both agree that spying on girls is the best thing to do while invisible. They're twelve.

Terrible family alert: Max's mum is concerned that the kids are spending so much time in the attic until she hears they're looking at 'old magazines'. Then she simply tells them to have fun and 'don't get too dirty up there;

Rating:

.5