Be Careful What You Wish For

Plot Summary: Samantha Byrd is a tall, clumsy girl who gets relentlessly bullied by a girl called Judith. One day Samantha is forced into helping a woman who then repays her for her kindness by promising her three wishes. All three of these wishes proceed to bite Samantha in the butt until eventually, she gets a final wish and stupidly wish that Judith gets the wishes instead. She then gets turned into a literal bird because helping people is wrong?

~

I'll give this one some credit, it has a more original feel than most Goosebumps books. Not in terms of plot perhaps but Samantha is pretty well-developed, as is Judith. What's with these covers and spoiling the endings though?

She may be slightly more dimensional than some protagonists but Samantha is still a massive idiot. The wish woman screws her over massively though and the whole thing seems a bit...weird? Like what is meant to be the moral? I guess Goosebumps books don't have those and I'm probably trying too hard but Samantha suffers for no good reason really. The wishes themselves are pretty weak but I do like the twist of the first one (making the others worse instead of herself better). Again though, why does the woman undo each wish when granting a new one besides plot convenience? This plot runs on convenience and I don't like that aspect of it either.

Idiot of the year award: Damn it Samantha, can't you work out by your third wish not to try and add anything besides 'wipe this whole event'?

Future supermodel: Samantha again, stealing a side pony from a magazine model.

Serial killer in the making: Judith is waaaaay too happy about turning Samantha into a bird at the end.

Mrs. Blase: Judith seems awfully okay with the idea of magic being real and Samantha being a witch. Samantha is also not that weirded out by Judith guessing magic was involved.

Rating:

.5

The Haunted Mask

Plot Summary: Young Carly Beth is always being scared by her dickwad friends. Tired of being the butt of their jokes, she decides that this Halloween she's going to scare them. She basically breaks into a costume shop after it's closed and demands the shopkeeper sell her the really scary mask she finds. He does but when she wears it, the mask makes her behave really aggressively and weirdly. At the end of the night she can't take it off and it turns out the mask is *sigh* a real face the shopkeeper made. For reasons. Through contrived circumstances she manages to get it off, only for her brother to put it on, dooming him to wear it forevermore.

~

You know, it wasn't until I was typing out the summary above that I realised how weird this plot it. I mean, I guess that's a point in the book's favour since it didn't feel too bizarre when I was reading it. Except for the ending of course-damn, why didn't they put that in the Goosebumps movie? Hundreds of disembodied mask heads chasing a little girl? That would have been awesome!

I remember reading this book a lot as a kid and yet I remember almost nothing about the plot. Honestly, it's not that great but I'm not sure why? The whole ending is kind of hilarious and the shopkeeper making faces is never really explained. Carly Beth is okay but her friends are really not great people at all. Just an average Goosebumps book for me.

Serial killer in the making: Carly Beth's friend Chuck who feeds her A REAL LIVE WORM. Dude, that's not a practical joke, that's animal cruelty.

Terrible family alert: Carly Beth's mother constantly laments her daughter's straight hair but she does also get her a costume she liked so...

Mrs. Blase: Sabrina calls twice but is otherwise unconcerned by her friend's mask becoming fused to her face.

Most inane activity: Carly Beth goes trick or treating despite not liking candy. That's just wasteful.

Rating:

The Ghost Next Door

Plot summary: Hannah is having the most boring summer ever until someone new moves in next door. Actually, even then it stays pretty boring. She starts to suspect her new neighbour is a ghost and keeps finding herself getting chased by a shadowy figure. Eventually though it turns out that Hannah herself is the ghost and what follows is five chapters of her trying to come to terms with her and her family's death. Also, she saves her neighbour's life and it turns out the shadow was his future ghost waiting to take his place.

~

Damn, this book is like an emotional gut punch. I can't say until I've read them all but this has to be the darkest Goosebumps book. The fact that the last few chapters just deal with Hannah's emotions about her own death (albeit in Goosebumps level of depth) only makes it all the sadder. Though I have to say, that cover pretty much spoils the ending entirely. I guess they had to make it look interesting somehow but why not use the shadowy figure? Speaking of which, that really raises more questions than it answers. If the evil shadow was her neighbour's ghost waiting to take his place, then was ghost Hannah once a shadowy figure herself? Is she not the real Hannah? Either way, I still really enjoyed this one. That could be because I just watched the movie before reading it and...feels.

Most inane conversation: They may be ghosts but that's no excuse for Hannah's family having multiple conversations about pulp forevermore.

Future supermodel: Hannah didn't die in a jam-stained yellow top and ratty blue shorts but her sense of style sure did when she put them on!

Mr. Blase and Terrible family alert: Hannah frantically tells her parents that neighbour Danny is a ghost and her dad merely tells her they're trying to watch the TV.

Editor, what editor?: All the two bully guys do is high-five. Maybe they're also stuck in a ghostly time loop.

Rating:

Welcome to Camp Nightmare

Plot Summary: Billy is excited to go to summer camp for the first time ever but when he arrives, strange things start happening. One by one his friends have horrible accidents happen to them, and when kids start disappearing it becomes clear things are not as they seem. Fortunately the entire camp is just a training exercise for Billy to see if he's ready to go with his parents on their strange new voyage...to planet Earth!

~

Okay, first things first-look at that cover. Look at the two boys smiling as they drown. WTF is with that cover???

Anyway yeah, this is a really solid book. It's more of a mystery than downright scary but a fair bit happens in it (especially compared to The Girl Who Cried Monster) and Billy is a pretty likeable guy. The stuff with Larry and Uncle Al is just sinister enough. I'm probably biased because I remember the TV episode of this one so well and found Sabre scary as anything, but I do really like this one. The ending is a bit bizarre and I guess I should have problems with it but I don't for some reason. All in all, one of the strongest so far.

OMG so funny lol: Jay who coins the apparently hilarious phrase 'he purpled in his pants'

Getting crap past the radar: 'I ran back to the mess hall without changing my shorts.'

Terrible family alert: Even if they are aliens, is this weird camp testing system a common thing on their planet? Do they have to wait around for summer every year? Doesn't it cost far more money than it would ever be worth? Who even thought of it to begin with? WHAT ABOUT HIS TRAUMA???

Idiot of the year award: Billy is actually really sensible. He'd win an award for the most boring Goosebumps protagonist sure but hey, he's sensible.

Rating:

The Girl Who Cried Monster

Plot Summary: Lucy is a girl who spends all of her time telling monster stories. Literally all of it. One day she sees her librarian transforming into a monster and eating bugs but of course, no one believes her when she tells them. She then continuously tries to prove it until eventually her parents believe her. They then eat the monster because they are, in fact, also monsters!

~

Oh, this book was pretty dire. From having an unlikeable protagonist, a horribly repetitive plot and one of the worst endings imaginable, it doesn't have a whole lot going for it. I'll be honest, a lot of my dislike for it came from the ending. Not only is the librarian monster 'defeated' by Lucy knocking over some card catalogue cards, the twist just doesn't make any sense. I think maybe it was foreshadowed slightly at the start but there's still no excuse for it. It's a twist Stine will use again and I'm not sure it will be used any better.

Somebody get this kid a therapist: '"Life is just a phase I'm going through."'

Getting crap past the radar: '"But I like big meatballs," Dad insisted.'

Idiot of the year award: Lucy repeatedly goes and confronts the librarian alone, then acts surprised when she gets locked in with him

Best of friends: Lucy and...no one. Literally, Aaron is the closest thing she has to a friend and even he would rather play Frisbee by himself

Rating:

Night of the Living Dummy

Plot Summary: Kris and Lindy are unbearably competitive twins and unfortunately the brats who star in this book. Lindy finds a dummy (Slappy) in the dumpster which leads to Kris demanding her own dummy (Mr. Wood). They compete and weird things happen, causing Kris to believe Mr. Wood is alive. Turns out it was all a prank by Lindy only then Kris accidentally brings Mr. Wood to life for real. Fortunately, a steam roller solves all their problems...until Slappy comes to life also and surprises no one who has heard of the sequels!

~

Okay, now this was interesting because of course, I was expecting the twist ending to be Slappy was behind things all along. But Slappy isn't even in this book, leading me to wonder why Mr. Wood isn't more famous nor why he isn't the dummy featured on the cover (you can tell from the clothes that it's Slappy). But anyway, I digress. This book isn't bad but it does require a lot of suspension of disbelief to really enjoy. There are so many scary things to do with a living dummy and none of them get done in this book. There's so much wasted potential which I guess is why the sequels exist. The main characters are also pretty appalling. Lindy literally drives her sister close to madness and doesn't show one ounce of regret when Kris is breaking down in front of her. Both the twins are awful to each other and I don't really get why I should be rooting for them in the end. All in all, a disappointing start for one of the most famous Goosebumps characters.

Terrible family alert: Lindy easily walks this one but a special mention to Mrs. Powell, who makes her daughters stay up until 3am to clean the kitchen and then goes to bed before them on another night without making any effort to convince them to actually sleep. The girls also dispose of Mr. Wood at 3:30 am near the end of the book and Mrs. Powell still doesn't care. Not to mention how 'encouraging' she is:

'"I guess you have some talent."
Lindy beamed. Mrs. Powell normally wasn't big on compliments.'

Mrs. Blase: Upon discovering that Mr. Wood is in fact alive, Lindy still takes everything remarkably well.

Serial killer in the making: Lindy again, mainly for the insanely cruel and convoluted trick she plays on her sister. Also she loves ventriloquist dummies.

Most inane conversation: Not a conversation but Kris' thoughts are repeated a lot. A lot. Like four times per page. A lot is what I'm saying.

BONUS weirdest running theme: I didn't mention it in my Let's Get Invisible review but Max reflects that people who have been married for ages look like brother and sister. This observation is also made by Kris in this book for some reason.

Rating:

.5

Let's Get Invisible!

Plot Summary: Max and his friends find a creepy mirror in the attic which has a light that turns people invisible while it's on. Despite the risks, they start staying invisible for longer and longer until eventually they are replaced by the mirror versions of themselves. Thankfully Max works it out and his brother Lefty breaks the mirror before Max himself can be replaced. However, Lefty is now right-handed...

~

I have a feeling this was one of my favourites when I was younger but when I started reading it, I remembered nothing but the twist ending. This is still pretty impressive though because damn did that ending stick with me. Also look at that cover-that terrified me as a child. I used to make my brother hide the ones whose covers scared me and this was definitely one of them.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this book. It's creative, it's creepy and the ending is the kind of doubt which really appeals to me. It does suffer slightly by the fact that it's Lefty's evil twin who destroys the mirror and no explanation is given as to why he wouldn't want the other evil twins to stick around. Apart from that though this is one of the best ones I've read so far.

Most creative nickname bestower: Max
'He's all black so of course we named him Whitey.'
'We call him Lefty because he's the only left-handed person in our family.'

Future supermodel: Zack whose hair is half buzzcut, half combover according to the book's description.

Biggest creeps: Zack and Max who both agree that spying on girls is the best thing to do while invisible. They're twelve.

Terrible family alert: Max's mum is concerned that the kids are spending so much time in the attic until she hears they're looking at 'old magazines'. Then she simply tells them to have fun and 'don't get too dirty up there;

Rating:

.5

Curse of the Mummy's Tomb

Plot Summary: The biggest loser in the world (also known as Gabe) goes to visit Egypt with his parents and complains the whole time. They soon abandon him with his Uncle Ben who is an archaeologist. Uncle Ben takes his daughter Sari and Gabe into a pyramid where a crazy guy (Ahmed) intent on maintaining an ancient 'curse' tries to mummify them all alive. Then they're saved by actual mummies.

~

Not going to lie, the majority of this book is a snoozefest. I'm guessing we're supposed to identify with Gabe and find him likeable and to some extent, he is. However, my god is this kid annoying. He's a coward and a loser which is nice in a kids book but Stine took it too far. Everything scares this kid and it makes the majority of the book unbearable and incredibly boring. However, it does have a pretty damn scary conclusion which is more unique than most mummy books. The fact that the bad guy is trying to mummify them alive, boil them in hot tar and possibly suffocate them to death is far darker than they usually tread in these books. Ahmed also super calm the entire time which I'm not sure if it makes it scarier or more hilarious. The ending alone would probably get a rating of 4 from me but alas, I can't forgive the majority being so dull and without plot. Also the hand thing is a little contrived and how well Uncle Ben takes everything is downright hilarious. But kudos to Stine for creating the horrifying image of hundreds of people being mummified alive in a room for four thousand years.

Stine shows how politically correct he is: 'I'll say one nice thing about Egypt. The Coke tastes just as good as the Coke back home.'

Mr. Blase: Uncle Ben. Also doubles as a Terrible Family alert:

"Daddy-he's going to kill us! And then turn us into mummies!"
Uncle Ben held Sari and looked over her shoulder accusingly at Ahmed "Is this true?"

After being told him and his family are about to be dipped in hot tar:

"Ahmed, can't we talk about this calmly and rationally as scientists?"

Worst Bond Line: After summoning actual mummies to kill the bad guy using the hand of a mummy:

"Thanks for the helping hand."

Rating:

.5

Say Cheese and Die!

Plot Summary: A bunch of kids break into the local crazy guy's basement and steal a camera. It turns out that any photos taken with the camera end up depicting horrible events, which then come true. Creepiness ensues.

~

I have such mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, this is the first one which has a pretty damn creepy premise. The idea of seeing your death (not quite because preteen book but yeah) in a photo and being unable to stop definitely freaks me out. On the other hand, this is maybe the worst written one yet. It does have more characters than usual which is nice, including an appearance from a character called Bird who I swear to god shows up in a Point Horror book. The death of the villain Spidey is actually pretty damn dark as well and a nice touch. However, most of the conversations are inane at best and kind of detract from the potential of the book. It's hard to decide which matters more in a book but for the Goosebumps series, a genuinely creepy premise wins it for me and so I'll rate it based on that rather than writing.

Idiot of the year award: Greg. Hmm, I've taken 5 photos and all 5 have predicted negative events which later happened...it can't be the camera!

Most inane conversation: The freaking opening of the book which repeats the 'Pitts Landing is the pitts.' joke about a thousand times

OMG so funny lol: Bird, whose jokes are clearly superior to Michael's. Somehow. Because the writer says so!

Worst party planner: Shari, when your entire birthday party plan revolves around an evil camera, you're not throwing a very good party

Rating:

Monster Blood

(Apologies for the bad cover quality, it was the only one I could find!)

Plot Summary: Evan has to go live with his crazy deaf aunt because his parents are terrible and incapable of caring for a child whilst on holiday. He meets Andy, gets the hots for her and buys a jar of 'Monster Blood'. It starts growing and eventually eating people because it was enchanted by an evil witch in cat form. They feed the witch to the monster blood and this magically solves everything (at least until the bajillion sequels).

~

This book is actually relatively dull considering it spawned so many sequels. It takes ages for anything to actually happen and then when it does, what happens is batshit crazy. Up until now, the Goosebumps books have had relatively straightforward plots. I mean, kudos for unpredictability I guess? It's not a bad book but I enjoyed it less than the others. The monster blood is only scary for a very short period of time and then everything kind of gets solved conveniently without adequate explanation. To be fair, when it actually starts eating people the monster blood is pretty ghoulish. I'm guessing the only reason the description of the bullies being still and faceless inside the blood blob was allowed was because it gets reversed at the end. Boo. But the cat witch getting sucked in without making a single sound is also a nice creepy image for the kiddies. What a shame the scare to bore ratio is sucky.

Most inane conversation: I'm so glad Andy likes stupid names. I'm so glad they talk about it for over a page. I'm so glad they bring it up again a few pages later.

Terrible family alert: One of the first questions Evan's crazy aunt asks is 'He likes the girls?'. Presumably she would cast him out to be homeless if he didn't.

Biggest troll: Okay, so Evan's aunt is crazy because she's secretly the slave of the evil cat witch. Except the cat witch didn't make her say or do any of the insane/weird things she does. She just decides to be horrible to Evan because why not?

Ms. Unisex: Andy

Rating: